Self-Reflective Ramblings on Uncertainty

Old sketch of a birch tree.

I haven’t been able to write something in full for a bit now. I think I have been caught in a very overwhelming moment in my life. Bear with me as I write what’s bubbling up to the surface; it's incoherent, uncertain, and has no general theme, such as life. Lately, I have been experiencing waves of bad with waves of good (usually it’s mostly just bad and neutral). Something that felt like a terrible ending and a major rejection happened to me recently, and in the wake of pain and aching, I had a massive self-realization, an actualization of how I have let fear and shame control me my whole life. I have feared being the bad guy my whole life and hurting others to the point of rejection. I have been so afraid to put myself out there and be my most authentic self because that means inevitably hurting others. I digress, I think I have really struggled with uncertainty all my life, and my brain took this recent event (friendship conflict ending very negatively) and turned it into a very blunt ending instead of just what it truly is: uncertainty and miscommunication. I know that particular situation is nuanced and flawed (we both made a bunch of mistakes), and for the respect of this person and my own mental health, I am going to leave that topic in this paragraph. It is what it is, but I see clearly my thought patterns that come when I feel I have made a mistake and how easily self deprecating they are.

My point is it’s good to stop ruminating on the could haves and should haves, and stop trying to find the good guy and the bad guy in a given situation. I need to work on moving into the reality of uncertainty with more ease, to sit in the limbo of being flawed and just let myself experience the current moment as it truly is. I get so overwhelmed in these ancient thought patterns that I forget the world around me is alive, too. I am writing this as a reminder of that. A reminder that we are not alone in our own world, and I am working towards not isolating myself as much and letting myself exist flawed and imperfect. Being imperfect and failing is what humans do, we fight, we make messes, and we learn from it and mend bridges where we can.

The other day, I felt myself seeping into the world. After a moment of pure frustration on an angry walk, I saw a girl playing guitar on her lawn. At that moment, I had stopped to mentally take in how her little act of self-love was able to almost completely dissipate my anger. It’s hard to get outside your grief and suffering when you don’t try to see the outside. I am constantly working on grounding myself as my brain tries internally to protect me in ways that I no longer need to be protected. I am learning that the flowers in spring smell different each year and the shade from the trees on the warm pavement creates new and beautiful silhouettes every moment. I am learning that running into the people who have hurt me once is not the same as the moment they hurt me, that trauma doesn’t have to follow me always, although it sure as damn hell loves to try. I am learning that mistakes are not weighing down my every move until I suddenly have to make amends for all the sins I have ever committed. That I am allowed to fuck up and that there is no tally somewhere of all the wrong doings I have caused. We make mistakes, we get rejected and we learn as best we can how to do better for ourselves.

I guess, this all comes back to self-compassion, as it inevitably always does and should. I can sit here and feel broken and sorry for myself. I can feed into ideas that have historically hurt me and allow myself to fester in crisis, or I can actively choose differently. I can actively choose to be present and authentic. I have so much in my life to look forward to; I have so many good things already coming my way. It’s okay to let uncertainty be nuanced; it is not an ending, it is not a severing of ties, it just is in limbo until further notice.

I am not sure how much sense this made. Right now, I am sitting on my couch waiting for a much-anticipated email, and letting myself space in and out on the beautiful weather outside. Letting my eye linger with the moving clouds and the changing time of day. There’s probably a more coherent version of this that might have made more sense, but this is what it is for now. I can’t get bent out of shape on making perfect sense right now; I just want to exist openly. I want to exist in this moment, the clouds outside floating around the bright blue sky and the kids playing baseball outside my window. I want to allow you a glimpse into my world for this little moment. This life is full of constant uncertainty, and my brain is biased in the negative (but so is everyones). I have made a boatload of mistakes, and the more I fester on them, the worse I feel. I can’t be the perfect, quiet and attentive person for others because that’s not attainable for me. I miss what has changed, and I mourn it deeply, but I also love what is coming, and I want to accept that wholeheartedly. I want to accept and make room for my authentic self instead of staying in the box I ultimately made for myself. I am so much more than that.

I guess this was about uncertainty, people pleasing and self-compassion? I definitely have more to say about these topics, but this is a good start for now. Thanks for reading.