I am so much more than who I used to be.
Today is the second day of April, and its only a couple weeks till my birthday, so the existential dread is kicking in. I feel this kind of doomed pressure to “catch up”. You might be wondering what I mean by this and often when I catch myself in these thought loops I wonder what I mean by it too. Nonetheless, this need to “catch up” seems to be this feeling of inadequacy in comparison to those my age or those younger. It’s that nagging feeling of envy for others successes and those “why can’t I be there,” feelings that seem to linger on the fact that I am not there, yet others around me are there; whatever there is. When I catch myself in these thoughts I tend to ask myself what even is there? And why do I want so badly to get to it? More often than not I simply do not have an answer, except that I was told that there is where I need to be. Like this dreadful whisper at the back of my mind (implanted by the ways I was taught growing up) that tells me I have to be who those people are instead of who I am or else I wont get there. It becomes simply common place in my mind to follow this eternal rat race of capital because it feels familiar; and anyway it becomes harder and harder to navigate what I want and who I am the further I get sucked into that hole. For every person I know in their twenties this seems to be somewhat adjacent to their own truth as well. Its this familiar agony that feels safe because we haven’t been able to see whats on the other side of the scary choice.
So when I sit to think who is it I truly want to become… The answer isn’t as clearly paved. I know many things about myself: I want to make the art that feels like the other half of me is found, I want to enjoy the actual process, I want to reach people who genuinely understand it, and I want the love that I had neglected to give myself before. In other words I want to build community, I want to hold space for creating in my world, I want to reach for that feeling of wholeness, of steadiness, of selfhood. Yet, when I go post my art on instagram its this doom and gloom feeling of being shoved to the side (so to speak), like I put whatever work I put out there, I dip a hypothetical vulnerable toe into the waters of being perceived — it’s terrifying when it gets minimal engagement. It tugs at this childhood fear of being rejected, a fear that makes no real sense in a place that is so full of chaos and unpredictable. When I find myself, however, able to take a step back I realize the bigger picture of it all and why it means so much. I long to be loved, to be accepted, to be seen and heard, so when I can’t find that even in little nooks and crannies it feels larger than the actuality of the matter. Perhaps the right people just haven’t been able to reach me, I mean I barely put myself out there to begin with anyway. Perhaps I am searching in the wrong places. Perhaps finding my wholeness is not about putting the world of social media on a pedestal but putting it in its rightful place in my mind (the sidelines, the this-isn’t-actually-that-big-of-a-deal place). Perhaps finding community is what comes once you find yourself. I’ve lost myself numerous times to be able to get here to this point, at some sort of cross-roads of change, where I have the opportunity to choose the same old path (squeezing myself into a box I don’t fit in and getting upset when I don’t fit) or to choose my path (letting myself grow and bloom in all shapes and sizes); whatever that path may be. It’s scary to be standing here everyday and realizing I can just do whatever my heart desires. For so long I was at the whims of the world and navigated life through the mindset of being desperate for acceptance, that I forgot what it means, for me, to be truly and utterly alive. It’s so easy and so simple to fall back to old patterns and I catch myself all the time. However, the me of today wants better for myself and that’s all that matters. The me of today is choosing authenticity, even if the me of yesterday couldn’t get access to those tools. It’s terrifying to realize that what comes out of this involves loss and heartache as well as love and community but I know wherever the road ends its where I need to be.
I guess the lesson I am learning here is to choose things because I want too, to let go of old thought patterns because I deserve to be loved. To hold myself in those new aches and pains of change. To create whether its bad or good or otherwise) and create until I get to that feeling once again. That feeling of childish joy, of surrender, of peace, of confidence.
I know that I am not the only one that needs to hear this either. You are worthy of so much more than you think. You can choose the scary option. You have your own back. It’s okay to feel, to be vulnerable.
Thanks for listening. Signing off,
Kurtis Sawyer
they/them
Note: I am not very skilled with grammar.
